If there's one lesson to be learned in these incredibly politically polarized times, it's this: The only people who should be tuning into prime-time television coverage on the evening of Election Day are political junkies, math nerds, and hopeless masochists.
In the early evening hours, CNN's Jake Tapper, reciting numerous early findings, constantly repeated the warning: “It's still very early!” It certainly was, as in most cases the percentage of votes counted was in the single digits. Tapper also advised us to settle in and “make a cup of coffee,” which wasn't exactly what viewers needed to calm their jittery nerves or maintain sphincter control.
Whether you watched network television or cable news stations, the coverage was largely dominated by commentators, mostly white men, standing in front of electronic screens while frantically waving their arms like meteorologists on speed. Chief among them, of course, remains MSNBC's Steve Kornacki, who rose to fame in 2020 thanks to his quicksilver delivery and signature khaki pants. Tonight he ran into a caffeine-fueled Harry Potter, analyzing historical trends and the voting history of particular counties with the kind of in-depth detail that would be the envy of a Talmudic scholar.
All networks have similar figures working their fancy screens, such as CNN's John King and his “Magic Wall” and Fox News' Bill Hemmer and his “Bill-board.” This year, MSNBC also provided an online “Kornacki Cam” — streaming on Peacock and YouTube — to satiate those viewers unwilling to tolerate any time he isn't on the air.
The coverage began relatively lightheartedly, through moments like an exit poll interview with a young man from North Carolina who confessed to CNN that he had no intention of voting until his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum. She voted, of course, for Harris, and that made you think that women concerned about their reproductive rights might wish they had followed those outlandish notions about a Lysistratasex strike style.
Speaking of male votes, particularly younger ones, we learned that the Trump campaign was “focused” on getting them to the polls that night. And why wouldn't they be, considering the young man from Arizona who told an MSNBC interviewer that he voted for Trump because Harris couldn't be bothered to appear on Joe Rogan's podcast? Is it any wonder the country is in trouble when Rogan, formerly best known as host Fear factorhas become one of the most influential figures in American society?
Needless to say, the folks at Fox News could barely contain their joy as Trump racked up early wins in state after state. Their “economic committee,” made up of supposed intellectual heavyweights like Fox Business's Maria Bartiromo and Larry Kudlow, claimed that the electorate was turning against Harris because of the country's “policy of open borders and stimulus checks.” Biden administration.
Kellyanne Conway helpfully explained that “insomnia and weakness” were on the ballot. Sean Hannity was practically drooling over the possibility of a Trump victory. And Laura Ingraham was already declaring it “the greatest political comeback in history.” Throughout the evening, Fox called states for Trump before other networks, to the point that Jesse Watters mockingly complained, “Are we sure about New Jersey?” when that dependably blue state was called for Harris.
Many races were decided in advance, of course, including the defeat of referendums in Florida calling for loosening abortion restrictions and legalizing recreational marijuana. Both measures obtained a majority of votes, mind you, but not the required “supermajority” of 60%. It's all part of Gov. Ron DeSantis' seemingly successful crusade to make Florida the most regressive state in the country. As MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell put it, the result represented a “minority government, defined by Republicans.”
As the results rolled in, commentators across the networks kept referring not just to “bellwethers” but to “bellwethers inside bellwethers,” to numbing effect. Along the way, we learned of various election hiccups, including the Trump campaign alleging voter fraud in Philadelphia (shocking, I know); bomb threats called at numerous polling places in Georgia, some apparently traced back to Russia; and problems with mail-in ballots in Nevada because, and I'm not making this up, “young voters don't know how to sign their names.”
Ultimately, the evening's pessimistic tone was summed up by, of all people, Senator Joe Manchin, who never managed to pick a side. He told CBS' Jim Acosta: “We will survive whoever wins.” Which pretty much explains why virtually no one in America can stand Joe Manchin.